Sarah Palin Jokes

Post by **Lightning Rod** » September 2nd, 2008, 2:29 pm

What's the main difference between Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle?

You can't imagine getting a blowjob from Dan Quayle.

Post by **Dave The Dov** » September 2nd, 2008, 5:19 pm

Ahhhh but would either one know what it means? Dan Quayle now there was levity for you!!!!

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Post by **Lightning Rod** » September 2nd, 2008, 8:24 pm

Sarah Palin walks into a bar with her pregnant daughter

Bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve her."
Drunk at the bar says, "Looksh like somebody already did."

ba da boom

Post by **Lightning Rod** » September 2nd, 2008, 8:32 pm

Post by **Dave The Dov** » September 3rd, 2008, 7:29 am

Ah yes let the wackiness begin!!!!
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Post by **Artguy** » September 3rd, 2008, 8:26 am

Time to sell Alaska back to the Russians...

Post by **Lightning Rod** » September 3rd, 2008, 1:36 pm

I'm glad McCain has decided to sex up his campaign. It needed it.

I saw pictures of John McCain walking between his wife Cindy and his vice-presidential pick Sarah Palin.

Put him in a silk lounging robe and give him a pipe and it's Hugh Hefner.

Post by **constantine** » September 3rd, 2008, 2:00 pm

too much!!!

Post by **Lightning Rod** » September 4th, 2008, 2:40 pm

Sarah Palin wakes up one morning in the Straight Talk Express Bus with a hangover and the taste of mooseburger in her mouth. she takes an aspirin and then looks over and sees that she is in bed with John McCain.

Palin: Did we do it?

McCain: I doubt it, I have ED. I'm in a counseling group with Bob Dole.

Palin: Well, let's say we did it. It would help both our images. You would be the 72 year old candidate with lead still in his pencil and I would be the merciful running mate.

McCain: What would we do about the adultery issue, my friend?

Palin: We'll say it was only lip-service, two tired soldiers on the campaign trail. They forgave Bill Clinton didn't they?

McCain: What about Cindy and Todd? I'm just trying to show moral leadership here. OMG, Cindy's gonna kill me. What's this going to do to the Right Wing vote?

Palin: You're right, let's deny the whole thing. But as long as we're here........

Post by **Dave The Dov** » September 4th, 2008, 5:26 pm

Ladies and Gentlemen let's hear it for the wacky maverick comedy of McCain and Palin!!!!
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Post by **roxybeast** » September 6th, 2008, 2:09 pm

What's the main difference between Bush and Palin?

1. One is a Bush, and the other has one.

2. She's a better shot.

3. Bush knows he's lying when he has his staff alter scientific reports to say there's no such thing as global warming ... she actually believes it.

4. Only one of them has (been) drilled on the north slope.

5. Both drink MooseHead ... one the beer ... and the other literally.

Post by **Lightning Rod** » September 8th, 2008, 3:22 pm

Post by **roxybeast** » September 8th, 2008, 3:46 pm

Gosh Clay ... I just sent you that video link re: McCain checking out Palin's ass and you already posted it ... but here's one you don't have:

McCain's voice-mail to Palin about putting her on the ticket ...

http://www.236.com/blog/w/lee_camp/mcca ... e_8644.php

WAY TOO FUNNY!!!

Peace,
Beth

Post by **roxybeast** » September 10th, 2008, 3:05 pm

PASS THIS ONE ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS THIS ELECTION SEASON ... WHATEVER PARTY THEY SUPPORT:

If by a “liberal” they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights and their civil liberties — someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a “liberal,” then I’m proud to say I’m a “liberal.”

– President John F. Kennedy

"If we do not believe in freedom of expression for those we despise, we do not believe in it at all."

- Noam Chomsky

"Laws alone cannot secure freedom of expression, in order that every [person] can present [his or her] views without penalty, there must be a spirt of tolerance in the entire population."

- Albert Einstein

-----------------------------------------------------

Palin/McCain in '08 jokes:

"And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin – looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9. She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing. She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." --David Letterman

"All the Republicans are heaping praise on Governor Palin. Fred Thompson said, as an actor, he could see them making a movie about Sarah Palin and her family. Didn't they already make that movie? I think it was called 'Knocked Up.'" --Jay Leno

"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God's will. And today, God said, 'Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno

"I guess there are some problems with Palin, though. Have you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal? Palin allegedly…used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'" --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien

"Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers." --Conan O'Brien

"Oh, and all those Internet photos of Sarah Palin in a bikini holding a gun. But they are all photoshopped. Like those photos of Bill and Hillary dancing, all fake." --Jay Leno

"You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she's also the governor of Alaska, and outdoors, like the outdoors, likes assault rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend: the kid's got guts." --David Letterman

"In her speech last night, Sarah Palin mocked Barack Obama for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop. Ironically, Palin did so in front of an adoring crowd standing in front of a stage backdrop." --Jay Leno

"The whole extended Palin family arrived this morning in St. Paul. They even brought the high-school kid who knocked her daughter up along. His name is Levi Johnston. That's gotta be a fun trip for him with the in-laws." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator McCain met the Palins as they got off the plane and had especially warm greetings for the young father-to-be [Doctored video of McCain discreetly slipping Johnston a prophylactic] Better late than never, I guess." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno

"We're learning more and more about Governor Palin. Apparently her daughter's name is Juno." --Jay Leno

"The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight's Republican Convention is, 'Who is John McCain?' Tomorrow night's theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President's daughter is pregnant?'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's true, John McCain's running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Let me ask you a question: is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look like a model for LensCrafters?" --David Letterman

"Earlier tonight, I don't know if you saw it, Sarah Palin gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter's speech." --David Letterman

"Hey, the Republican Convention is still going wild in scenic St. Paul, Minnesota right now. Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin was the star speaker tonight. A lot of excitement. She promised a walrus in every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." --Jimmy Kimmel

"By the way, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen: the Palin family crisis that we were talking about on Sunday and Monday, that has been solved now, and, today, the baby is being adopted by Angelina Jolie." --David Letterman

"And you've got to love this: Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. An avid hunter. A vice president who likes guns? Well, what could go wrong there?" --David Letterman

"It was an unplanned pregnancy, but the Palins say their daughter will marry the young man. He's a fellow high school student of hers. His name is Levi Johnston. They even found his MySpace page, which they pulled down immediately, but before they did we found out that he's a 'f***ing redneck,' is what he said, and another quote from him, 'I don't want kids.' Remember when the Republicans compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears? Now they've got their their own Jamie Lynn." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people are saying that McCain picked Sarah Palin to appeal to women who supported Hillary Clinton. This is crazy. You can't just replace Hillary Clinton with another woman. Bill tried that, it didn't work out." --Craig Ferguson

"John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen." –Bill Maher

"Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can." –Bill Maher

"I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on 'we're at war, it's a dangerous world out there. The democrats don't get that. I John McCain am the only one standing between the blood-thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it.'" –Bill Maher

"When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That's what the vice president does." –Bill Maher

"And McCain felt what this nation really needs now is a vice president who looks like Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to McCain at the podium the other day when he introduced her? Didn't it look like one of those commercials where the daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? 'We'd like someplace quiet.'" --Jay Leno

"Most of the gossip this week is centered around Sarah Palin, McCain's controversial choice for vice president. Some question whether a mother of five who's only been running the state of Alaska for two years is the right person to fill out a ticket fronted by a 175-year-old man, and it's especially strange considering the emphasis that Senator McCain has put on national-security experience. Three years ago, Sarah Palin was the mayor of a town with 9,000 people in it. Nevermind national security, they barely have mall security in a town of that size." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace. They've talked about it for years; here's one that could do it!" --Jay Leno

"And, of course, the big news: John McCain has selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate. Apparently, he was turned down by his first choice, Bonnie Hunt." --David Letterman

"But Cindy McCain, for one, points out that the governor, Palin, does in fact have some national-security experience [Video: Cindy McCain pointing out that Alaska is close to Russia]. Right, she's so close she can walk right up there and watch them like a neighborhood-watch captain or something." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Also, it's now come out that Palin's 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. McCain claims he knew that when he picked her, but, I don't know, this whole thing, it just seems too much like the 'Maury Povich Show' to have been planned. At this point, I'm not sure I trust McCain to pick a fantasy-football team, to be honest with you." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But we're learning more and more about Sarah Palin, boy, are we. Listen to this: it turns out she and her entire family once had a chair-throwing brawl on 'Jerry Springer.'" --David Letterman

"Well there's a lot of controversy about it. Apparently she told McCain about this weeks ago, but what happened was, I guess she said it into his bad ear. So he didn't realize." --Jay Leno

"But, despite that, Republicans think she's a pretty good running mate for McCain. They feel she can bring in women voters, she's got a good conservative voting record, and she doesn't mind eating dinner at 4:30, and that's important." --Jay Leno

"All in all, this was a great first day for the convention, but, of course, the media did their best to try to ruin it by callously revealing a private matter in the Palin family, namely that Governor Sarah Palin's eldest daughter is named Bristol. Have you no shame, media? That's nobody's business. That is a private pain, meant to be kept between Bristol, and Track, and Willow, and Piper, and Trig Paxon, and let's say Snackchip and Toejam." --Stephen Colbert

"And I will tell you, nation, I am sick and tired of people saying Sarah Palin is inexperienced. It is sexism, pure and simple. Her enemies wouldn't be saying this if she was a man like Frank Matheny. Oh, you don't know Frank? He's the mayor of Boot Hill, Montana; population: 7,500. In about 20 months, he's going to make a great vice president. Now, critics say John McCain should have gone with someone who fills in his gaps, like Mitt Romney. But Sarah Palin does more than fill McCain's gaps, she completes him. [Video: McCain: 'She's a partner and a soul-mate']. The clincher was the identical oil-rig birthmarks" --Stephen Colbert

"She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Not only is she young, they're saying she's the prettiest candidate for Vice President since John Edwards." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There was also some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio, today where this morning Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife — actually, no, I'm sorry, that's his running mate Sarah Palin, the freshman governor of Alaska, and star and producer of Emmy-winning 30 Rock. No, I apologize, the star of the Emmy-winning Will & Grace. No, no, I'm sorry, it's actually the mild-mannered and troubled librarian from every Cinemax movie." --Jon Stewart

"Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show." –Jon Stewart

"Alaska Gov. Sarah Pallin is John McCain's choice. Here's what we know about her: her name is Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno

"Today President Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do." –Jay Leno

"The McCain people believe that Americans will disregard her inexperience because they will fall in love with her story. She was a runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska Pageant., which may sound trite, but you try walking in high-heeled snow shoes." –Bill Maher

How you can tell that Sarah Palin is from Alaska:
Sarah Palin knows how to skin a moose with a penknife.
Sarah Palin wrote a Caribou recipe book.
Sarah Palin calls "Baked Alaska" "Baked Here."
Sarah Palin know which leaves are safe to use for toilet paper.
Sarah Palin rides to the Governor's mansion on a stretch snowmobile.
Sarah Palin has waffle soles on her high heels.
Sarah Palin has three pairs of formal waders.
If you ask Sarah Palin what the four seasons in Alaska are she will tell you that they're Early Winter, Winter, Late Winter and Road Repair.
Sarah Palin's customized snowblower can do 60 on fresh snow.
Sarah Palin keeps her cosmetics in her hunting bag.

Death once had a near-Sarah Palin experience

Sarah Palin begins every day with a moment of silence for the political enemies buried in her yard.

Sarah Palin's finishing move in the VP debate will be pulling Biden's still beating heart from his chest & taking a bite.

"She does know about international relations because she is right up there in Alaska, right next door to Russia." –FOX News Channel's Steve Doocy, gushing over Palin's qualifications, to which Jon Stewart quipped, "When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa."

Post by **Dave The Dov** » September 11th, 2008, 9:04 am

Time for the right wing to finally get clipped!!!!

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Sarah Palin Jokes

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