Action Sandwich Team!

[Marksman45]

sketch: Action Sandwich Team! (rough draft)

<i> Scene: Apartment livingroom. A man is sitting on the couch. We'll call him Ted.</i>

TED: Man, I just don't know what to do... I'm so hungry, but I just lack the wherewithal to
prepare lunch...

<i> Sound: window breaking
Music, in the style of the "Batman" theme (the one from the 60s, not the Danny Elfman)

Enter two men & one woman (Bread!, Meat!, and Condiments!, respectively) dressed in task force
or superhero or somesuch outfits, with logos representing their roles</i>

TED: The Action Sandwich Team!?!?

BREAD!: That's correct, civilian! Action Sandwich Team!, prepare to assemble!
<i>[produces two slices of bread] </i>Bread! <i>[Batman-style word balloon reading "Bread!",
if at all possible]</i>

MEAT!: <i>[slaps a few hamslices onto the bread]</i> Meat! <i>[matching word balloon, of course]</i>

CONDIMENTS!: <i>[squirts mayonnaise onto the top slice of bread]</i> Condiments! [balloon. Right, you get the picture]

<i>Bread! caps off the sandwich</i>

TEAM!: Completion!

<i> They present the sandwich to Ted, who takes a bite</i>

TED: <i>[chewing]</i> Thank you, Action Sandwich Team!

BREAD!; No need to thank me, Ted! It's our duty to look out for the little guy, in the name of Truth, Justice, and American Cheese!

<i> Voices: "Action Sandwich Team" theme coda: "Action! Sandwich! Teeeeeam!"
Exit Action Sandwich Team!
Sound: another window breaking

/Cut to shot: old lady on the floor</i>

LADY: Well, crap, I've fallen and I can't get up to make lunch!

<i> Sound: door being smashed down

Enter Action Sandwich Team!</i>

LADY: Hooray, the Action Sandwich Team! I'm saved!

BREAD!: Okay, Team, execute emergency maneuver #15!

<i> The team constructs a sandwich using ridiculous, elaborate choreography and poses, presents it to the old lady, never actually helping her up.</i>

BREAD!: Enjoy, ma'am! Now, duty calls! Action Sandwich Team, away!

<i> Exit Team</i>

LADY: Wait! Could you help me up--- shit.

<i> "Action Sandwich Team!" coda, end music

/Cut to shot: a couple making out in a car. There's a knock on the boy's window, and he rolls it down.
Deep voices intone "Sandwich Team" a la Trojan Man commercials
Bread!'s arm reaches in, handing the boy a foot-long submarine sandwich.</i>

BOY: Thanks, Action Sandwich Team!

<i> The boy rolls up the window and promptly takes a bite. Indignant, the girl slaps him.
Music, Voices: "Action Sandwich Team!" theme coda, theme continues

/Cut to shot: a man waits at a bus stop.</i>

MAN: Man, I'm so hungry I could go out and hunt down a wild sandwich with my bare hands.

<i> Enter Action Sandwich Team!</i>

MAN: The Action Sandwich Team! Oh, I knew you'd save me!

BREAD!; Stand back, civilian, while we assemble! Bread!

<i> Sandwich assemblage begins as in the first scene, but Meat! does nothing.</i>

CONDIMENTS!: Meat! What's wrong?

BREAD!: For God's sake, man, the meat!

MEAT!: I... I CAN'T DO IT! <i>[he tosses his meat onto the sidewalk. Bread! and Condiments! are apalled; music stops abruptly on a discordnant note]</i> You remember when those animal rights activists picketed my house?

BREAD!: God, man, how could I forget?

MEAT!: Well, I've been doing some reading, and... well, I realized that they're right! I, I'm going to have to resign! As a conscientious vegetarian, I simply can't facilitate meat consumption like this!

BREAD!: Meat! How can you speak of such things? What is a sandwich without the meat? Why, I daresay that the meat is the very meat of the sandwich!

MEAT!: I'm sorry, Bread!, I'm sorry, Condiments!. And I'm sorry, man waiting at the bus stop. I just can't do this anymore, I can't keep living this lie!

<i> Meat! runs off camera, and Condiments! and Bread! follow after him</i>

MAN: But, I'm still hungry... Where's the Action Taco Team when you need them?

<i> Action Sandwich Team coda
End scene.

For later in the same show:

Scene: Ted's kitchen. Ted has bread and various other food products on the table</i>

TED: Okay, let's see... I think I need bread, and meat, and... was there syrup involved? No, wait, I think I need corn flakes, or maybe it was milk, or -- <i>[he gives up, frustrated]</i> Oh, how I miss you, Action Sandwich Team!

<i> Sound: breaking window
Music: Action Sandwich Team theme
Enter the Action Sandwich Team!</i>

TED: The Action Sandwich Team!?? But I thought you disbanded?

BREAD!: Ah, well, Meat! had a minor episode, but he's better now. Isn't that right, Meat! ?
<i> [Meat! stares blankly. Bread! laughs heartily, slapping Meat! on the back]</i>
Action Sandwich Team, GO!

<i> Sandwich construction begins in the original manner. They make a turkey sandwich with mayo on
whole wheat bread.</i>

BREAD!: Here you are, civilian! Enjoy!

TED: Oh, thanks, but...

BREAD!: But what?

TED: Well, if it's not too much to ask...

BREAD!: [laughs] Nothing's too much for the Action Sandwich Team!

TED: Well, I wanted mustard, not mayo.

BREAD!: Easy enough! Action Sandwich Team, GO!

<i> They make a second sandwich, turkey & mustard on whole wheat.</i>

BREAD!: Done!

TED: Oh, could you make it on white bread?

BREAD!: <i>[slightly frustrated]</i> Sure, I suppose! Action Sandwich Team, GO!

<i> New sandwich, right, you get it</i>

TED: Oh, wait, is that turkey? I wanted chicken.

BREAD!: <i>[repressing his anger and speaking a bit sharply]</i> Fine. Action Sandwich Team, GO!

<i>Sandwich. 'nuff said.</i>

TED: Oh, and one more th--

BREAD!: <i>[cutting Ted off sharply]</i> What now?

TED: I don't suppose you could cut off the crust?

<i> Boiling over with rage, Bread! tackles Ted to the floor and Meat! & Condiments! try to pull him off.
Shot fades out as the music finishes with a final coda

End.
</i>