Chic Murray - a comedian you may not be familiar with

[bennie]

A small request first: is it possible that there could be a little "new topic" button at the top of each page, dear Do'? It's just that, well, I'm a lazy fucker and all that scrolling down is taking it out of me. Have some fucking consideration, woman. My skinny ass wrists can't deal with all that mouse work.

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Okay, Chic Murray: He's dead now so you can say what you like about him. That's the best thing about the dead: they can't answer back. Unless, that is, you belive in the bullshit in that shitty film White Noise. Dead people talking? Yeah right! I'd rather have Dada people talking. You go for a piss when you're in a bar and the voice of Duchamp says: "oi, stop pissing on my work you bloody bastard."

Okay, Chic Murray: He's dead now but when he was alive he was scottish and a veritable king of the quick joke. not one liners but maybe two or three liners. I want to share some of his quips with you and maybe introduce you to someone you'd like to hear more of:

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

"I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?"

"If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?"

"...The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder."

"It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed."

"I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section."

"The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil."

"I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly."

"I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, 'Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?', he replied,'No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter.'"

"My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off."

"I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it."

"We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways."

"I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. 'Is it Scotch?', I asked. 'Why?' the butcher said in reply. 'Are you going to talk to it or eat it?'. 'In that case, have you got any wild duck?'. 'No', he responded, 'but I've got one I could aggravate for you.'"

"I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. 'What do you want?', she asked. 'I want to stay here', I replied. 'Well, stay there then', she said and closed the window."

"I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said that I didn't know it had been away."