Groucho Marx quotes

[Doreen Peri]

"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book."

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

"Quote me as saying I was misquoted."

"Time Flies like an arrow. Fruit Flies like a banana."

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"