back to you, Judas

[joel]

I’ve loved him harshly. Never one remiss
to evidence, love illustrated means
of gracious favor and of intimate
attention to his narrative, his tale
of thoughts, emotions—his historical
account of personhood. I’ve gently loved.
I’ve loved you that To Love was my To Live;
how more might I trust love to you? Forgive?
I’ve pondered how I’ve loved him, how I’ve proved
devotions I commit to him. I’m full
of questions: does he love me? Wrenched I wail
for love—and blinkless, fearful plead: commit
to me as I’ve to you. Again he leans
to love, perhaps betray me, with a kiss.