Bait and Switch

[Calamity Jane]

Bait and Switch
By Jane E. Herrold

I had me a man.
He said I was the best thing since sliced bread.
Six months later,
I might as well be dead.

It ain’t my fault his body doesn’t work.
Why pick now to notice my every quirk?
He’s the one who hunted me down,
Now you’d think I couldn’t be found.

Every time I tried to talk it out,
His neck would start to twitch.
All his telephones are faulty.
And the internet has a glitch.

Grandma’s got the AIDS,
Someone else a stroke.
You have to be kidding me!
This has to be a freakin’ joke.

There’s only one thing to call it,
If you’re looking for a name.
I’ll leave that to the fishermen,
And just take it with a grain.

He pulled the old “Bait and Switch.”
Dragged me right into his trap.
Served my heart on a silver platter,
Then the whole thing took a crap.

(audience chant…)
Bait and Switch.
That Son-of-a-Bitch.
Bait and Switch.
That Son-of-a-Bitch.

He was gonna be my warrior.
He’d fight to light up my soul.
He said he learned from “The Queen Mistress”
He promised to curl up my toes.

Fat chance of that, he can’t even talk
Let alone drag me off to bed.
He wondered why I was frustrated.
All that communication was just in his head.

Next thing I know, I’m listening to all his woes.
First his back aches,
And there was something about his foot.
His brain has gone tits up,
And his dick is in the dirt.

I used to be his princess.
Now I’m a fat pain in the ass.
Funny how fast a heart can break,
As if it’s made of glass.

I’d like to rip his head off.
I’d like to shake him sane.
How could he do such a thing
To his lovely Queen Jane?

He said he’d won the lottery.
I guess it wasn’t such a prize.
The next thing I knew,
He couldn’t even look into my eyes.

He just couldn’t scratch that itch.
His heart wasn’t in the game.
There’s only one thing to call it.
Land or sea, it only has one name.

He pulled the old Bait and Switch.
That old Son-of-a-Bitch.
Yup, we’ll call it “Bait and Switch,”
And him, a “Son-of-a-Bitch.”

(audience chant….)
Bait and Switch.
That Son-of-aBitch.
Bait and Switch.
That Son-of-a-Bitch.

[hester_prynne]

Love the chanting here.
Not to mention the folklorish feel.

Say, do I know you?
it's ...it's.....YOU!


H

[Calamity Jane]

IT'S YOU!!!
I see you moved! Yes? HI MOM!

(The previous venting/poem must be read in a "Fisher Poets" style. Each year, for the last 10 years, Astoria has hosted such an event, featuring poems/ essays from the Ocean Industries. Most of the readings are done in sort of a gruff pirate sounding diatripe/rant.)