The Dark Secret of Guilt
We're not always successful in our endeavors, regardless of their importance or necessity but that doesn't seem turn off the engines of doing whether that doing is thinking, creating, destroying or ignoring... we just keep going as best as we can with no hope of doing anything else except that forwardness that always lures us moment by moment in our daily existence.How many faults have occurred as the body of our doings has split open wide and revealed some foolishness over there on the right edge, next to the interesting but incomplete? The abyss that should actually be welcomed with arms spread as wide as the abyss but we seem to have a need to hide our inner being as being just too much for anyone else to see, much less our very Self that contains the inner amongst all other contents that make our being what is... like an ongoing work of art for some, while others seem to explore the darkness within by pushing limits that will only eventually bring on a collapse which will bury the once promising Self in a pile of nasty rubble that stinks with rot and decay... and of course, like all things, the in between, that middle ground that favor caution and respect because... well, just because... because you never know who's looking, do you? and if that unknown eye happens to see you doing something that you've repressed for ages, like a hidden gem that you want nobody else to ever, ever see you with, you will even go so far as lie and cheat and deceive in this deception to keep from being caught doing... doing that one thing, or forbid! those things that will somehow tarnish your mask that you've worn so bravely all these years as if you, and you alone, had to wear this ridiculous mask that has almost become a farce of your very being just because you think you have to live this way in society and their ways to existence amongst them.
But you know... you know better than anyone who you really are beneath all those layers you've built up over the years to hide that little something in you that you will go to your grave with... this damn thing never seeing the light of day because you've convinced all those people around you - your family, your friends, your acquaintances and fellow employees... you name them you deny them that secret of yours that is the root cause of your very problem. You know you should... anyone knows they should... but nobody has the nerve, the real nerve to strip themselves down to their complete nakedness and let everybody see you without any walls... any barriers at all between the real you and their eyes, their minds, their opinions they may have of you - it's just too frightening to even think about. You find your palms sweating and your feet shaking.. that tingling up your spine like the witches creeping up your back on tip toes whose nails have never been clipped... and you just don't know how to handle it... who does? you ask yourself... but the answer will never be known 'out there'... no! you must find that within you... deep within, perhaps? or maybe just a scratch on your fleshy surface..?
All this misery you've brought on yourself and for what? You want to keep something hidden in you and it tries again and again to come up and scream it's truth to you, but you suppress it. No way will you allow anyone in the world to ever, ever see that thing within you. And the worst thing about this hidden thing is with all those years of suppression you've turned it into a monster that creeps you out! You imagine this monster within you coming to the surface like the creature from the black lagoon, wreaking havoc on not only you but everything and everyone around you. What choice do you have but to keep it hidden?
You lie to yourself... you are the one, yes! YOU created this monster within by denial that began very quietly... one day you had tried something. You heard about it off and on for several months, maybe years, and then one day, alone and curious you tried it. Somehow the experience was just not right... it was too different. It felt like ... well, it was probably wrong, you tell yourself... God would never approve. So you bury it in there in that little secret place... you just experienced something that you never want anyone else to know you did. That's not you. No.
But this benign little experience keeps coming back knocking at your imagination... "knock, knock... may i come in..?" But you refuse... even though it wasn't really anything but it wasn't YOU... that you that your parents wanted you to be or that YOU that your friends think you are... that hidden thing would spoil that image... and what would they think? Surely they don't have anything hidden like that, you assure yourself.
One day, maybe a week later, months later... even a year later you answer that "knock, knock.." knowing what it is.. but it was such a gently knock that it caught your curiosity and you open the door and let that little thing back in. Such a gentle thing... why are you hiding this? Surely it could never hurt anyone..? you ask yourself. It knows things about you and you share your interests... you seem to grow a bit... learning about this one thing that you've hidden and now it seems to be alright... no problem until your guilt steps in and slaps you! That isn't for you! you hear guilt telling you.. "What would everyone think of you?" it demands. And your fear becomes so great that you hide it again, but this time deeper within you... you never want to come face-to-face with this again. Guilt will be cruel to you, slap you, maybe even hurt you badly... and why? Just because of this little experience that brought you some joy, some learning, some growth..? You blame yourself for being what guilt affirmed - bad! You are bad, so bad...
As we grow older this thing, this original thing that really was never horrid at all, just new to you.. something you've never encountered and when you did, you just couldn't talk about it to anyone else... your guilt made sure of that, and you kept having to re-bury it every time it came back to visit. Sure, you allowed it to come into your life for on those occasions when you felt weak, or thought you were... until guilt came between you and that one thing. It became so big that your guilt grew proportionately and you ended up feeling so goddamn bad and worthless because you have this thing within that you can never, ever share with anyone, no matter what, because what would they think? It's now become an absurd scenario that you've colored with scary and evil in order to avoid this one thing... this one little thing that has now become so large within you that it rules most of your daily life - you'd do anything to keep this monster you've created in check if you ever feel it coming up from that deep, dark place within.
Over the years this thing has grown so large that it looms strongly within your mind.. so much at times that it dominates your every thought, your every breath, your every action... you feel you just may be going mad. This thing that you yourself has suppressed for so long can turn you into that monster within you. How do you control this thing that is consuming you more quickly than you have ever realized? You notice yourself doing what this monster does within you but now it's coming out and you don't seem to have any control over it. But you've GOT TO control yourself... this can't be happening.... you find yourself losing this persona you've created all these years, crumbling chip by chip, piece by piece and it frightens you like you've never been frightened before. All because of that initial repression that you just had to use because you never wanted anyone to ever know that one thing about you... it would ruin everything you wanted yourself to become. And here you are, seeing this life you've created, the one you've always dreamed of being, falling apart before your very eyes... and worse - 'they' see it. All those people around you who thought you were what you made them see in you, but were not... not completely. You just couldn't ever share that one thing with anyone, no matter how much you liked, them, loved them or trusted them... this one thing, which has now become a monster from the repression of years, is destroying you.
You are not alone. How can you be? What you have become is no different from those you know. We all have a little thing in our past that we've hid from everyone and many of us have had this little thing pop up in our lives from time to time, but we continue repressing it and repressing it and it gets out of hand.. it becomes larger than it every was or even intended to be. And there is nobody to blame but our own ignorance... ignoring our Self... and indeed, suppressing our Self... the largest crime against our being - turning innocence into guilt because of our conditioning... the way we were raised and the environment that allowed it. It's not all our fault, true... but not accepting the facts of our conditioning and what it can do is in our hands to mold into something more beneficial to our being.
Some may see it as a choice while others may view it for the necessity it is for themselves. But we must acknowledge our guilt and what it can do to us... more often than not our guilt can become the monster we make from our own imagining... and can be just as easily destroyed by that same imagining. That is the dark secret of guilt...
when guilt is gone
innocence remains
~
(think about it))
innocence remains
~
(think about it))
cecil
31 may 2009
Picture of the Week:
an evil plant
photo: cecil (Solanum rostratum) 5.31.09
I've kept my eye on this stranger to the backyard for awhile now and last week noticed it flowering. I crept in close as the plant is about 6-8" high and the flowers maybe about 1" wide, but intensely yellow (this pic taken this a.m. in the shade and tweaked a bit) with that amazing center stamen like a tongue sticking out at the viewer.photo: cecil (Solanum rostratum) 5.31.09
What is this plant? I asked myself and a fellow gardener. She commented on the leaves looking like melon plant leaves, either cantaloupe or watermelon, although the spikey stem looked like it may be in the nettle family.
Armed with that info, I googled various hits and found the flower under watermelon flowers, but a melon this stranger is not! It is a solanum rostratum...yes! the dreaded 'buffalobur nightshade' which has never been in our yard. Possibly brought in with some composted fertilize which was spread under the pomegranate trees (more than likely), this was reported as being 'an evil plant" ! My goodness... what does this plant do to warrant that singular description?
... and more -"Its yellow flowers are followed by wickedly spiny burrs that can become scattered about and are quite painful to step on.
The stout spines of Buffalobur Nightshade are not merely sharp, these spines are also covered with a substance that can cause intense, lingering pain in anyone stabbed by them."
Let it be known, that upon reading about this plant, despite it's exotic flowers made for photography, this 'evil plant' will soon be pulled from the ground by its roots and put safely away from bringing discomfort or worse to the family and our dogs."... the most dangerous characteristic of Buffalobur Nightshade is that it is poisonous. Buffalobur Nightshade, like other poisonous nightshades (Solanum spp.), contains the deadly glycoalkaloid solanine and other tropane alkaloids. Buffalobur Nightshade is also capable of accumulating excess nitrates in soils high in nitrogen, so it can cause nitrate poisoning in addition to solanine poisoning.
In addition to all of its other negative characteristics, Buffalobur Nightshade is not a well-behaved plant, instead it is a highly invasive, noxious weed. It thrives in the abused soil of overgrazed pastures, where it can poison cattle and render a pasture unusable unless control measures are taken."
What luck I should learn of this plant... whew!
