The grey cloud hangs
as if contemplating
Above cracked streets.
A young egret plays
On the branches of a
Wet, fallen oak
Two rejected by SP QUill
Howdy Beat.
I can see what the problem may have been, although, one never knows with those in the know.
the phrase "as if contemplating" gives the cloud a human quality that is not cloudlike. Hah! Do you see what I mean? Also some haiku writers are extremely strict about what is or is not haiku and even using 'ing' is considered not in good form. I don't happen to subscribe to this so called 'rule' but some do.
If I may play a bit with this, your haiku, I would rearrange and change it some. (I beg your indulgence.)
grey cloud above
cracked streets-
asphalt streambed
or something akin to that.
Your second haiku has a beautiful image of a young egret but like many that write in this format, when you stretch it out, it is a sentence broken up into three lines. I would just flip it about a bit myself to create this image of the egret and the oak.
the branches
of a wet, fallen oak
egret playground
I have found that the most effective haiku is not what you say but the essence and image that you create and leave with the reader.
Thank you for letting me play with your haiku.
Peace,
SooZen
I can see what the problem may have been, although, one never knows with those in the know.
the phrase "as if contemplating" gives the cloud a human quality that is not cloudlike. Hah! Do you see what I mean? Also some haiku writers are extremely strict about what is or is not haiku and even using 'ing' is considered not in good form. I don't happen to subscribe to this so called 'rule' but some do.
If I may play a bit with this, your haiku, I would rearrange and change it some. (I beg your indulgence.)
grey cloud above
cracked streets-
asphalt streambed
or something akin to that.
Your second haiku has a beautiful image of a young egret but like many that write in this format, when you stretch it out, it is a sentence broken up into three lines. I would just flip it about a bit myself to create this image of the egret and the oak.
the branches
of a wet, fallen oak
egret playground
I have found that the most effective haiku is not what you say but the essence and image that you create and leave with the reader.
Thank you for letting me play with your haiku.
Peace,
SooZen
Freedom's just another word...
http://soozen.livejournal.com/
http://soozen.livejournal.com/
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