i decided to shut up and listen-
then i asked him- any problem?
ya got a light?>
yep
so his cig falls apart in his hand and i said 'do you need a cigarette?'
yes
so i went a got a pack at rich s in portland on 23rd-came back and got ready to smoke one with him... he says' i dont really like women, not at all-but you seem nice- thank you for the cigarettes'
then-- i re-enter the club- i have been there like a million times- sideways ya and upside down
but i always hear one thing that makes me not want to go get drunk and shoot dope and commit crimes= kill myself and or sleep with a stranger or get married yet again- such options you think?
well - i haven t shot dope- yet.
but i have 13 years off booze-
and an uncanny knack for walking into a situation and laughing-and people laugh with me- because they too, want to pretend they are happy without dope or any thing-so be nice- if anyone understands crazy people you do- right- you thought you were really fucking clever with the chemical dependency roll in clean stuff right?
well let me tell you what is the real deal-
linda blair- your head turning round and round and vomiting green shit screaming fuck me eat me- yep that is the fun part-
so if you are thinking about going out of town- beware you cannot leave but for a few days- and there still remains the check out time-
i still smoke a cig every time my clock will not tick according to my expectations-
looking pensive and deep out the window makes me feel deep profound like thoughts about myself and others while i blow smoke out the window and up my own ass= because i can-
and when i wake up ad cannot go to sleep i resort to old behaviors- -as long as it isn t a pill i am good to go- vitamins tax me sometimes-one kidney just will not cooperate- there are strange sounds and music coming from there- and the voices of anti depressants have been sent to the nut ward with out me i might add- i have not had to go there yet either-apparently if you are crazy-you are the only one that does not know it- and i qualify- because there are things my kids tell me - like stealing shit from a hotel i have no recall about- so clearly there is more to us then we let on- that town i keep trying to get to- it is all in my mind- there is no place like that= but the inspiration that such a place exists is enough for some- some of us have to feel it all- and sometimes - just listen to what the crazy guy has to say on the street.
he was yelling 'you dont know who i am"
i had to take another look see- because for the whole day - no one was driving fast enough- my phone got paid twice and now- i am broke- what ever- planning - yeah like follow thru it takes diligence= commitment- love- desire-so after all the whitewash- i want to live today and i do not want to die- i want to go to kauai - with paintings under my arm and sell them one canvas at a time-i know that the helpers are helping me- somewhere- i want to be able to s=do this forever= paint and write and garden-that seems so white and sweet like linen and clean laundry- really i do the most good with people that just want to go die- my lil friend brought her baby today- and they are beautiful- but she was one that i thought was going to check out- so i told her all my deepest darkest secrets right?
she got clean- and - she remembers some of it---truth is- i dont even know who i am- but i am getting it- sometimes quickly sometimes slowly-
