Survival (Version 2)

[fuchsiafestival!]

boughs dangle below smog
whittled out of an ivory atmosphere
skewed across the earth
as muffled time lines

i examine a jetty sea
for items tossed into waves -
parchment and ancient water bottles
used by jaded stragglers

swallows on telephone wires
listen for the sound of unfolding years
that signify my only chance
at survival.

[fuchsiafestival!]

OK. I believe your revision is going in a positive direction.

That said, I'm still unsure what this piece is really attempting to convey.

Perhaps "something lost in the past" that N is trying to determine or recall?

A bit diffusive and relatively abstract.

Played around a bit based on my take:


limbs dangle below smog >>> I like limbs for the double entendre value
hollow ivory tubes >>> reinforcing "limps" with a description of bone
span across the earth >>> span seems "bigger" and more global than skew
graveyard time lines >>> something buried...below the surface...

remember by the sea
memory tossed in waves
parchment water bottles
collect upon the shore >>> my attempt at pulling from the past with evidence in the now

swallows on telephone wires
listen unfolding years
tapping out our only chance >>> "tapping" into double meaning again
of survival

If there's anything you like -- feel free to take it as your own. If not, ignore.

Enjoyed.

~Ton

Ton, I'm glad this is going in a positive direction. Basically, it's something lost in the past that is somehow (seen) through nature as a reminder. I tend to think in the abstract and I like spontaneous writing as it is cathartic for me (and helps me with more tangible pieces).

I'll reflect on the advice a bit and use some of the phrases.

[fuchsiafestival!]

limbs dangle below smog
from ivory cracks
spanned across the earth
sleepy time lines

examine a coated sea
items tossed into waves;
parchment and water bottles
used long ago

swallows on telephone wires
listen for unfolding years
regarding my only chance
of survival