The Channeler - please critique (not kidding)

[judih]

hi friends - this started many many years ago and i wanted to re-write it. Please offer opinions, how to make it more effective or whatever. Thanks

The Channeler

faded khaki backpack
sliding off slim shoulders
‘Dear ones, do not fear…’
emaciated specter
rasping portents
'Arise. Have faith. Believe.
All is for a purpose...'
A shudder, a thud
A heap on the sidewalk
his message
etched in our minds

ch 1 (online-audio-converter.com).mp3

(603.59 KiB) Not downloaded yet

[saw]

I cannot listen to the audio, but I like the images with its rather mysterious encounter that lends itself to many possibilities

the message, though a bit eerie, is positive......from beyond the ordinary ....and thus stands out as something important

and I like the economy.......no need to be verbose.......

[judih]

thanks, Steve. Sorry you can’t hear the track, but it’s not essential

[judih]

I cannot listen to the audio, but I like the images with its rather mysterious encounter that lends itself to many possibilities

the message, though a bit eerie, is positive......from beyond the ordinary ....and thus stands out as something important

and I like the economy.......no need to be verbose.......

i just uploaded a different sound file. Maybe it'll work

[saw]

It's not your recording, it's my brain judih ......that hears most everything as muffled noise.....

but I like the words !

[judih]

thanks. And a tip of the hat to your new way of experiencing sound.

[sasha]

I'm not quite sure what to make of it
subtlety & nuance often elude me
but I get a dark & ominous vibe
somehow reminiscent of HP Lovecraft's "Nyarlathotep"
though this is much quieter
and open-ended
it ends with a ?
not a !

[judih]

good observation, roy. Actually everything ends with a '?', or in other words, so far there's no absolute surety to anything.

[creativesoul]

I need more details
I am pretty much sure that the field is wide open..

Conduit
Chandler
Vassal

[sasha]

...
but I get a dark & ominous vibe
somehow reminiscent of HP Lovecraft's "Nyarlathotep"
...

I should have said "sinister undercurrents"
the darkness is implied, not stated
or at least that's what my iiteralist's antennae pick up

[creativesoul]

Kaleidoscope
Fractured vision

[judih]

sparse details because i didn't want to cloud the arena, but perhaps i'll take this piece into different directions. (haiku writing has taken a toll!) Thanks jana, roy, steve for reading and deliberating and commenting.

[stilltrucking]

channeling
st jean k.
a purpose or a porpoise
spooky voice of childhood innocence
and thats all i got to say about that says the jackofnightmares circa 1944
thank you for sharing the experience.
double plus

[judih]

thanks, jack for reading and deliberating!

[stilltrucking]

more like a spontaneous reaction
to the pervasive voice of purpose
by my heretical faith

porpoise of purpose.jpg (25.04 KiB) Viewed 1379 times

I resist that.