i don't think i came across the way i meant to...especially after re-reading my last post
what i'm trying to say is that we have similar views on what to do and dissimilar views, as well...for instance, she believes dope is the problem, whereas i believe dope misuse is the problem...it's a big distinction...when i said she doesn't listen to me, i suppose i should have said i haven't been able to convince her to accept my view
it sounds worse than it is
the important thing is that we've agreed we need to talk to experts, and that we're doing it together...we married fully understanding we were polar opposites...it has worked somehow, and been wonderful trying, no matter how trying it can be
I still have to disagree with your sense of guilt about going away. Soozen's too.
My father was ALWAYS on the road. He was a salesman. He went away for a week or two weeks, then he came back for a few days or a week, then he was off again. He went to every state in the union, every province and territory in Canada and plenty of places outside the U.S. including South America and behind the Iron Curtain, so when I say he was AWAY, I mean it. He was AWAY. He did most of this travel while we were growing up, and only filled in one Canadian province after I became an adult.
Furthermore, we MOVED a lot. Maybe not as much as military personnel are moved, but much more than we would have liked. It was stressful for me as a child, growing up like that, and it must have been equally hard on my two brothers.
There were times when we felt neglected by him, and like he didn't love us enough to spend real time with us.
When he was home, he worked LONG days at the office, usually had at least a half hour's commute one way to work, and arrived home somewhere between TIRED and EXHAUSTED. Still, he tried to be a good parent when he was home. Although he definitely could have done a better job, he cared and he tried. I'm sure you care and you try, too.
My point in all this is that my brothers and I didn't grow up to be addicts because our dad wasn't home. Drug experimentation among me and my siblings has been very conservative. I've been, by far, the worst, and I never developed a drug habit. Alcohol .... that's another story, but that didn't become a problem until I hit my late thirties and it was a direct result of another sad event, NOT my parents, necessarily. As for my two brothers, one has never even smoked pot, and his idea of drinking is having one beer. The other can get boozed up when he feels like it, and has smoked pot, but hasn't done that since high school.
So, once again, I'm saying, Knip, don't blame yourself for being away. You are doing what you HAVE to do, if your son doesn't see that or admit it now, he will later on.
If you want to blame something, blame the addictive tendency and perhaps the permissiveness of your house.
I deeply regret laying that guilt trip on my dad when we were growing up. He made it possible for us to live the life we were living. He worked like a slave, and sometimes he still had time to play with his children. He made a point of doing that. But kids just don't know how hard it all is. It's hard enough just to be an adult. Raising children and giving your family everything they need is an enormous responsibility.
Give yourself a break. You're a caring father, that's quite obvious.
no i don't blame my being away...thought i said that
i think it may have been a factor, as are all the other factors...but dope misuse, or alcohol misuse, for that matter, is about wanting to feel different (better?)
Knip I am thinking of the last time I saw Cecil. I realize this is a priority thread. I mean I am trying to focus what ever light is in me towards your son. Cause you know the Book says the only way to the father is through the son.
Cecil
Man I been wondering where were. Trying to not digress. But I think your point humor is right on. This is not a time for a patriarchial thou shalt. Like the book said provoke not your children unto anger. I think their must be that humor working, I forgot how you said it. Reminds me of jitterbug, if ever there is a brother in christ it is him for me. More than a sibling, a friend. He was always gentle with his children, always used irony and humor, he loves to draw so sometimes he would draw pictures for his kids, cartoons to illustrate the situation, funny cartoons. He is a musician, he would use music.
Knip
I wish you and your family well knip
I hope your wife posts here too.
every family has its own way to work it out. If there's love and caring, it almost doesn't matter what the situation is, cause the family bond will pull it together in the long run.
Everyone has their path - as kari said - she was totally pissed off by her privacy being invaded (a typical reaction by anyone!), but then again, she's speaking as the daughter.
As a parent, it's all another game.
In the long run, we teach by example. We teach by our inner essence. We show love by the intensity of our presence when we're present. Our messages are delivered by how we live our lives.
My kids talk to their father and to me about everything. Drugs, sex, music, personal hygience stuff - it's weird being the ones expected to have all the answers. But talking about it all often shows that the 'answers' are sometimes obvious and sometimes not at all.
It's the way that counts. The Way! and it's strange how being the confused kid has suddenly changed into being the slightly less confused 'adult', but still this is what i've got to work with.
It's never easy. Situations are always new and there's never been a handbook for any of it. All i can do is muddle through and as the Dalai Lama says, whenever i discover i've made a mistake, to take immediate steps to correct it.
Knip I said I focus light on you I also focus darkness on you
to play the devils advocate
I have no son but I have a sister's son. I provoked him infront of his mother cause I wanted them to stop the loopp they were in.
Jitterbug or the Dalai Lama would never have done it that way.
I do not know what happened but his hostility went straight for his mother not me.
j is like a goddess of common sense for me
and I am the possesor of an illegal smile
so pay me no mind except for the part about
wishing you well
seems like I am always trying to censor what I write about my family. Trying not to reveal family secretes. Not such a mytery why his hostility directed towards his mother, deflection, I forgot about my size. Something I appolgogized over and over. He was just being so hateful to his mother and he had such good reason to be angry at her. And she had such good reason to be angry at men.
So it does not related to your family situation at all.
Thank you for clarifying what the debate was about.
judih has said it succintly and simply...we teach by "example, essense and intensity of presence when present." Right on.
BTW, I don't subscribe to "guilt" for it is a wasted emotion and never helpful. All factors must be considered and I get the impression that you consider them all and that will serve you well.
I guess I could start a whole new debate by saying that I don't classify the herb cannibis in the same way that the 'powers that be' do for it has been immensely helpful to me medicinally. But like anything useful or that feels good, abuse is possible. Like the Dave Matthews' song says, "I eat too much, I smoke too much, too much!"
To quote judih again, "It's the way that counts" and the middle way that the buddhists speak of is never an extreme either way.
I think the fact that you asked, you care, you are seeking answers is the answer and that you will find a way. I am sure you will.
Yes but with the support we are giving you. This should not make it suck so bad. We will be the shelter from the storm.
_________________ Chevy Vehicles
Last edited by Dave The Dov on March 19th, 2009, 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
