Jesus, He Was a Handsome Man
for release 04-04-05
Washington D.C.
You didn't need to be a Catholic to respect Pope John Paul II. He embodied the essence of Catholicism, rigid and graceful and full of ritual. He was the first media-powered Pope, dynamic and charming and a damned good showman. It was like having Doug Fairbanks or Buffalo Bill as leader of The Church.
It takes a real man to look charismatic and authoritative while wearing a dress. The world has lost a real man. He was a rock-star of a Pope. His concerts were always sold out. And Jesus, he was a handsome man.
Twenty-six years ago, when Karol Jozef Wojtyla took the mantle of Saint Peter, there were still such things as the Soviet Union and the Iron Curtain. By 1980, if you are to believe our wonderful revisionist historians, The League of Super Heroes was John Paul II and Ronnie Reagan and Maggie Thatcher, and they, with their super powers of capitalism and democracy and morality, brought down the Evil Empire.
This is nonsense of course. The Soviet Union would have fallen under its own weight because of the onerous bulk and stupidity of its bureaucracy and because the Iron Curtain wasn't high enough to keep out radio and TV signals and even the commies wanted blue jeans and Michael Jackson records.
The Catholic Church has seen empires come and go and monarchy giving way to revolution and democracy and socialism and reformations and schisms and scandals, yet it has proved to be most durable because it offers its customers value for their money--basic truths and solace and community.
In politics and religion and war and all other branches of show-business, you need someone to lead the charge, take the fore, be the spokesman. The great actors of history have usually had a talent for riding the crest of the popular wave. But the surfer can't take credit for the wave, it was created by forces greater than he. He can only ride it. I don't think that this fact escaped John Paul II.
Now the largest religious institution in the world will choose a new leader. There are a billion Catholics in the world but they don't get to vote on who will be the next Pope. A hundred and seventeen guys in red gowns will assemble in the Sistine Chapel to decide who the next CEO will be. God only knows how they determine who will get the job. The cardinals gather in conclave behind closed doors to fight over this question and all we see is a puff of smoke.
The Catholic Church has never made any pretense of being a democracy. In this sense they are at least spared the accusation of hypocrisy. They still adhere to a top-down monarchial paradigm. The Vatican State is a government representing a billion people on the planet and still it is shrouded in mystery and intrigue. The trouble with old and large institutions is that they get mired in their own traditions and culture and become unresponsive to their constituencies. It takes forever for the news that a priest is molesting an altar boy in Boston to reach the Papal Chambers.
But small embarrassments like The Crusades or The Thirty Years War or The Inquisitions or the burnings of heretics and rampant selling of indulgences and the pillaging of native cultures in the name of god haven't prevented the Catholic Church from being one of the richest and most influential corporations in the world. Why should they be concerned with a little pedophilia?
But now Vatican Inc. needs a new superstar. It's going to be tough to fill the sandals of John Paul II, who had a magic combination of holiness, humility, charm, savvy and pizzazz. My question is: Why should the Catholic (Universal) Church limit its choice of who the Pope will be just to cardinals? Michael Jackson should be able to qualify as a Catholic priest. And how about Charleton Heston? I know he caught some bad press when Michael Moore ambushed him in Bowling for Columbine, but hey, they still play The Ten Commandments every Easter on TV. Bono would be a good choice, at least he's Irish.
Or how about Madonna as Pope? She could pronounce herself a virgin and maybe do something about the awful Vatican fashion situation. I'm sure we could expect to see the ordination of women as priests. Nelson Mandela would make a good Pope or Muhammad Ali. I would go for Jimmy Carter. Can you imagine Ralph Nader as Pope? How about Walter Cronkite? I think George Carlin would make a good Pope.
The Poet's Eye would love to see some young swashbuckler like Johnny Depp as Pope but rather expects to see some staid and elderly conservative cleric take the throne. I'm just glad that Karl Rove isn't a cardinal. We could end up with Paul Wolfowitz as Pope.
Buffalo Bill's
defunct
who used to
ride a watersmooth-silver
stallion
and break onetwothreefourfive pigeonsjustlikethat
Jesus
he was a handsome man
and what i want to know is
how do you like your blueeyed boy
Mister Death
---e.e. cummings
